Gasaholic

TORONTO CRAIGSLIST
[09.13.10]

ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH PASSING GAS

do you love to pass gas? do you have any talents or tricks involving passing gas? strange rituals that involve passing gas, do you have a hobby involving the passing of gas?
If this is you or someone you know please tell me about it. I am doing research for a project and are looking to interview people on their obsession with passing gas.
no need to clean it up. If are infatuated with flatulence let me know. I wanna hear from you and hear your story. thank you

Compensation: TBD

Office Asset

TORONTO CRAIGSLIST
[09.02.10]

female model for secretary

Busy office is looking for an attractive, open minded female model to work as a secretary and sales/marketing assoc in the office. you must be open minded and willing to meet the CEOs business and personal social needs. trust worthy and discrete a must. send resume and pic please.

Compensation: base + commiction

Rub 'n' Tug

Best Happy-Ending Parlors

OVERHEARD
Guy: I came for tomatoes and instead I get potatoes.
Attendant: It doesn't matter, cause either way you're going to making a stew.

Wanted: Model

How High?

TORONTO CRAIGSLIST
[Aug.08.10]

Sexy? Reasonable IQ? Perfect Job...

SEEKING THE HOTTEST, SEXIEST female capable of the job
THE WORK: Im P.A. To formidable Hollywood individual
Been doing the job some years
Workload has become unmanageable so have been sanctioned to hire an aid (or girl-friday) to pick up various tasks in each of 4 cities, one being GTA during the days when here.
Have stationed for the moment in Oshawa for peace and quiet's sake so should live in Whitby or Oshawa, have a valid drivers lic., Credit card, mailing address, be a happy, agreeable, people-pleasing YES personality.
I made 70,000 doing this job last year and it pays minimum $50/hr.
The work can be as small as picking up mail and stocking a bar with ice etc... To
Organizing logistics from other suburbs and booking hotels for celebs wishing to remain incognito
The one stipulation which matters greatly is that due to the sociology of the people involved and their habits the ideal candidate should be sexually resilient and adventurous. Religious and highly moral candidates will likely be miserable and simply quit.
There is much prep/training involved re: the sociology/manners/protocols/etiquette
Includes socializing some of which you will not be specifically compensated for but there's often the best restaurants, limos etc involved. The perks are amazing
The ideal candidate should be ambitious about leaving GTA as the full-time position will be given to one of the 4 candidates by JULY of next summer and will necessitate the fulltime activity of organizing entourage schedules and traveling between NY LA TO and sometimes Miami...and a wide assortment of other tasks for which you will be prepared for by that time.
Disclaimers and confidentiality contracts will be binding.
Ideal character should enjoy serving others, be eager to sometimes do lowly tasks and have a free spirit when it comes to sexuality and other moral arenas. Should have good manners, be hygenic/presentable and have priorities. (i.e. This job supersedes the relevance of any/all others.)
This is a 'fingersnapping' position. If you're not utterly comfortable with asking "how high"? when told to jump, please refrain from applying.
Most of this job deserves no or petty financial compensation.
It's really the perfect job as long as you have the right character. You can make boatloads of money doing next-to-nothing and for a fraction of the hours you'd put in elsewhere at a conventional job
No diplomas necessary, just the right attitude character fundamental abilities and sexiness.

Compensation: $50.00 scaling up

You're Hired

Prom king zombie costume

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I'm Scared

You'd think a purse that looks like a gaping vagina would be full of money, don't you?

Hey, guys - guess who's officially a squatter? Me! I didn't pay my rent on Friday cause I don't have it. Guess who sucks (figuratively) at being an escort? I do!

I HATE MY JOB.

There's no personal fulfillment in trying to satisfy someone you don't care about. I don't care how many Happy Hooker stories you read. Belle de Jour and Diary of a London Call Girl can kiss my ass. I've become enlightened to the ways of privileged white female prostitutes, and they're playing in a whole other ball game than the rest of us. Apparently, white skin = better, even though I've left behind men with a smile on their face who'd beg to differ.

MEN LIKE ME. SOMETIMES EVEN TOO MUCH TO PAY FOR IT.

Unfortunately, I've no marketable skills. If I did, do you think I'd be doing what I do? I didn't choose my line of work - I fell into it out of necessity. And if you think I'm going to work three minimum wage jobs to pay the bills, then think again. I'd like to think there's more to life than slave labour, and I've more to offer the world than shiny toilets and a pleasant phone manner. I wasn't built to wipe some old guy's ass while he looks down my top and drools on my shoe. I'd rather hop on a bus with my last few bucks and ride to the middle of nowhere, curl up in a field and wait for the vermin to gnaw me to death.

I HAVEN'T SEEN A DENTIST IN TWO YEARS.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Dad for telling my Mom, when I was in high school, that I didn't need a summer job cause my time would be better spent taking art classes and writing book reports. Those summers I spent struggling through "Pilgrim's Progress" and "The Prince and the Pauper" really didn't pay off. Those water colours I dabbled in aren't worth the cost of the supplies it took to make them. The summers I spent volunteering (my idea) at the Canadian National Institute for the Blind, Women's College and Sunnybrook hospitals, looked great on my resume, but never put a dime in my pocket in terms of helping me to garner future employment.

I'VE NEVER WORKED A 'REAL' JOB IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

And thanks, Dad, for pushing me to do pre-med at university even though I had no natural affinity for physics and chemistry and no desire to be a doctor. The ensuing disillusionment that settled in after dropping out, deepened my psychological development while forcing me to question my identity. If I wasn't going to be a doctor healing sick African babies (his dream, not mine), then who the fuck am I??

EVERYTHING MY FATHER EVER TOLD ME WAS TRUE TURNED OUT TO BE UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY FALSE.

And so here I am, destitute. My "busines", such as it was, never recovered from the dive it took when the markets crashed over a year-and-a-half ago. I'm like one of those small businesses that did just okay enough to survive before the recession, that's now cleared out, boarded up and a hollow landmark to someone else's livelihood. Funny, I've yet to see one media report about what happens to those people after they've finally thrown in the towel. I guess those kinds of stories don't sell rags or increase pageviews. But how the rich are sacrificing by cutting back junior's hockey practices from three times a week to two? Now that's a story! Run with it!

I DREAD CALLING MY CONDO MANAGER TOMORROW.

Needless to say, if things don't turn around for me in a dramatic way over the next few days, I'm out on my ass. I don't know where I'll end up, cause I'm too scared to think that far ahead. (Liar - it's all I've been thinking about for months now.) I hope I can continue to stay where I am, and get out of the business in a way that doesn't turn my life upside down, but I have to say at this point, it looks like it's going to take a fucking miracle. I'm supposed to meet someone tomorrow night who's well-connected and could possibly open some doors for me, but he's not exactly reliable.

I'LL FUCKING TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.

Oh, and one more thing?

I DON'T FUCKING DESERVE THIS.