Fucking Losers

I thought frosted tips went out with the Sony Walkman.

Gawker.com has brought to my attention the awesomeness that is Nik Richie. I tried to post a comment there but I'm having a hard time accessing the stream. Thank god I have a blog for just such an occasion. I wish to preserve this comment for eternity cause goshdarnit, it's a beaut. Behold, my no-holds-barred opinion of this gift to humanity...

missdelite: OMG, where's this hunk of man meat been hiding? His physique reduces me to a puddle of drool. It's like I'm drowning in my own desire! His look is so effin hot: 1 part sleazeball club promoter to 2 parts pet serial killer, slathered in Vegas used car salesman smarm. I bet he's got sweaty palms, rank breath & skid marks on the tighty whities his mom still buys him for Christmas. Swoon! Dare I speculate on his prowess in the bedroom? I do! I'd climb his pole & plant the flag if it weren't for the 'Monogamous Adonis' vibe he oozes from every pore. Siiiigh. WHY, dear god, are all the good ones taken??

Thing is, this jackass doesn't realize he's being USED by a culture of male resentment which is sacrificing his reputation at the altar of their chauvinism. The men who patronize his site wouldn't dare utter those cheap shots in a mixed, public arena where women are actually physically present, but thank bejeezus Hamoon Karamian exists to represent their insecurities & give them a place to vent. He's like the runty little dick in every group of male friends who they beat up on in a passive-aggressive, jokey sort of way. Where would these guys be without TheDirty? That's easy! Drinking, snorting & fucking their lives into oblivion amongst a tight group of friends while complaining about how their women are bleeding them dry. Oh but wait - that still goes on! Only now, they get to commiserate with millions of anonymous cowards online. It's like an army of whiny roaches high-fiving their way to a colostomy bag & an ever-dwindling retirement package. Score! Where do I sign up to suck the crotch sweat off their limp whiskey dicks while crying tears of gratitude for their convenient hospitality? I mean, I'm just begging to be used, right?



The Man Behind TheDirty.com Is Just As Awful In Person
The Man Behind TheDirty.com Is Still A Self-Aggrandizing Dick


Breaking the Ice

How men with class, style and finesse meet women

So, let's say you want to ask out the cute girl at the checkout counter, bookstore or skincare kiosk. How do you do it? Do you spend a full minute and a half flirting with her only to get shut down when you suggest seeing the latest Harry Potter and sharing a tub of popcorn? Or do you stare at her uncontrollably from a distance, give her the creeps and then walk away mumbling to yourself something along the lines that she's probably a lezzie, anyway? I'm here to tell you that it isn't impossible to land a first date with her but it takes some effort and finesse on your part because the pitfalls are numerous and all-too-common. Guys tend to come off either too nervous or too aggressive and wind up alone, frustrated and confused. They think to themselves: "Where did I go wrong? Why didn't she smile and flirt back? What makes her think she's too good for me?" On and on, their thought processes turning them more bitter by the minute. Hey, lighten up bro - this ain't rocket science. Follow these easy tips and I guarantee the outcome will put you in good standing with that cutie and (hopefully) sharing a platter of antipasto at your favourite Italian restaurant in no time.

I don't care how ironic you think a backwards trucker hat looks - she won't take you seriously in an outlandish get-up and you'll be summarily dismissed before you even open your mouth. Same goes for rumpled, mustard-stained clothes, too-baggy pants and dirty fingernails. Groom thyself, oh Romeo - and no, I'm not talking about getting regular manis and pedis here. Take a bath, shave/trim your facial hair, run some product through that mop you call a hairstyle and take it easy on the personal scents (guys should smell fresh and clean during the day - like a regular bar of soap). You don't have as wide a variety of outfits to choose from as we do, but for the purpose of impressing a woman, keep it conservative. Think 'job interview at the bank' and you'll look fine. Of course, I'm assuming you have in your sights a woman of quality and not some gum-cracking hussy with cornflakes dust in her over-exposed cleavage and breath sour enough to peel paint. You can do better than that, I hope.

A few minutes at the checkout/sales counter, in the bookstore etc. is all you've got so make the best of it. Don't fidget, laugh nervously or stare - you need to be confident but not creepy. Express genuine interest in what she says without looking too eager. Desperation is a definite turn off. Conversely, it's a fine line between cool and aloof and guys often don't know where it is. It should go without saying that looking around at other girls or consulting your blackberry breaks eye contact and is a surefire way to put the kibosh on making further plans. Besides that, it's rude. Get it right or she'll think you don't give a shit about her and you're just a player.

In your first conversation, incorporate something about the weather (this is always a respectable starter) and your respective occupations. I've written a few lines to give you a feel for tone and tempo and I've tried to incorporate variations to take into account different scenarios. Feel free to improvise but pull back if you get the urge to do a Charlie Parker (famous jazz saxophonist and heroin addict - look it up).

You: It's busy / quiet today.
[she responds]
You: [segue into why it's busy / quiet - is it the holidays, for instance? - or move on to the weather] It's really windy / hotter than Haiti out there.
[brief convo on the weather ensues]
Y: [mention something about work] I'm up to my eyeballs in paper work and couldn't wait to get out of the office / I've been rehearsing for an audition and really needed to take a break.

[At this point you can guage her response to see whether she's expressing any interest in you. If she appears distant/distracted then there's no hope and it's time to move on to greener pastures. If, however, she makes eye contact, smiles a little and commiserates, then by all means take those as good signs to continue. If she's in sales, enquire about a product. If she's at checkout, ask her where you can find___(a product they carry).

Y: Well, it was nice meeting you,_______ (see name tag / she offers her name). I'm ________ (your name).

[Pause to see if she responds with a cheerful "Hi_____ " / "Nice to meet you,______". If not - yikes! Abort! Cold front up ahead.]

Y: Will you be here again this week?

[At this point she may suspect what's up. If she gets that you're interested in her, she can either volunteer that info willingly or regard you with wary apprehension. Be an adult and accept your fate accordingly. Of course, keep in mind that she may be continuing a professional rapport with no interest in you whatsoever. A second meeting should clarify this because sometimes only time can tell whether charm is genuine or simply a veneer. Assuming she offers an enthusiastic "yes" / she's only in on Saturdays etc....]

Y: Oh, that's great. I'll stop by and let you know how _____(product) worked out. Have a good day. [give a slight smile and leave]

Ta da! You did it! You introduced yourself, established contact by exchanging names and didn't come off like a complete jackass. Now show up no less/more than 2-5 days later like you said you would and continue where you left off. This is important! If you don't pay heed to the momentum of this budding connection, it'll be difficult to resume it. After all, don't you think it would be nice if she remembered your name the next time you see her? Of course you do.

Again, time is of the essence here but keep in mind that the more product you buy, the more face time you get.

Y: Hi______(her name). [small smile]
Her: Oh hi_______(your name).

[If she forgets your name, fill her in promptly without making her feel bad about it.]

Y: How's it going?

[Exchange pleasantries and fill her in a little about your day: "The boss is on a rampage" / "I got a callback for that audition I told you about" etc.]

Y: I tried that______ (product) you recommended / I was looking for and it was ________ (brief details).
[exchange a few words about that]
Y: Do you know where a guy can get a beer / great cheeseburger / vegan tapas around here?
[she recommends a place]
Y: Oh great - I'll check it out. Thanks for the tip, _____(her name). I'll see you later and have a good day.

Now, you may be thinking that an opportunity to ask her out was squandered here but think again - you're still gauging to see whether she likes you or is just naturally flirtatious with everyone. Cutie may have a corpulent boyfriend at home for all you know, and thinks that smiling brightly, giggling loudly and flipping her hair at strange guys is the only way to move product or avoid being called a bitch. Suck it up: wasting your time flirting with an unavailable woman is the price you pay for trying to pick up a stranger. If you find out that's the case, chalk up the 40 boxes of eye cream to collateral damage and move on.

You're going back to meet cutie and finally see where things stand. Don't allow more than five days to elapse between visits and try not to crap your pants.

Y: Hi____(her name). [go ahead and smile at her like you just got a raise]
Her: Oh hi______.

[If she still doesn't remember your name and/or doesn't seem pleased to see you then cut your losses as quickly and politely as possible.]

Y: How's it going?

[Exchange pleasantries. Remember: It's important that you pause after saying "Hi" and "How's it going?" to let her meet you halfway in the conversation. You need to know that she remembers you, is pleased to see you and you need to show her that you care about how her day's going. Don't launch into a tiresome monologue about yourself. You're trying to engage her in a conversational tango - not a spectator sport with her cheerleading you on the sidelines. Unless, of course, you're a selfish bastard. If that's the case, what're you doing here??]

Y: I went to the place you recommended and it was ________(say something positive even if the beer was warm and the food tasted like cat urine).
[exchange a few words about that]
Y: One of my favourite beer / cheeseburger / vegan tapas hangouts is ________(name local attraction). Have you been there?
[she has/hasn't...]
Y: It's a wonderful place. Why don't we go there ___(name of day) night? Are you free?

[This is the moment of truth: does she want to see you outside of work? If she gives an enthusiastic "yes", she'd like to go out with you, then bingo! You won her over and you can start mentally picking out your outfit for date night. If, however, she looks away awkwardly and mumbles something about "checking her calendar" or - heaven forbid - she mentions a boyfriend at the eleventh hour, then pick your ego off the floor and conclude the conversation as quickly and painlessy as possible. Let's face it: you were led astray by a woman who's either inexperienced, insecure or highly manipulative (or all of the above) and perhaps - just perhaps - you let your johnson do the talking and ignored some very obvious signals that a rejection was coming your way. It goes without saying that you should no longer have contact with this woman and need to avoid her neck of the woods like the bubonic plague. I have to say, though, that if you get that far without seeing her for what she is, then you've no business picking up women in public. Stick to set-ups and hookers cause ooh baby - it's a wild world out there and you just got bitten.]

Good luck!

Get Carded

"They're real and they're spectacular." - Seinfeld

YOU need a business card.

No matter what it is you do, if you want to generate serious interest in yourself and what you have to offer, then a proper business card is the MOST important tool in your promotional material. Think about it: it's portable, customizable and provides everything a potential client/employer needs to know about you, your service and how to reach you. It can be provided on the spot at a moment's notice without fussing with gadgets, buttons and websites, and it's reasonably cheap to print several hundred cards with an eye-catching colour picture and bold, memorable graphics. I got my first set recently for less than $130 (including $30 for a mock-up) and I've been distributing them to select recipients ever since. And here's another important point you need to remember: cards can be handed to people you feel will best be able to take advantage of your service with the bonus of wowing them face-to-face with your pitch. A website can't do that.

My card has the above picture with 'MISS FIT' in big, bold blue letters followed by my phone number. On the back are these bullet points:


Do you get it? I'm a home fitness provider who - for a little extra - will kick in a relaxing post-workout massage. (I mention the massage part when I hand out the card.) Not bad, right? Response has been positive so far (guys LOVE looking at boobies - go figure) and hopefully this will be the start of a new direction for me.

If you're a struggling actor, put your best colour headshot on the front with your name, number and email, and on the back:

>FAVE MOVIE:___***

*You're an actor - improv is your bread-and-butter and you don't have to be Robin Williams to prove it.
**Insert 'stage/ad/live/TV/film (even if you've only done extra work)' here.
***A surefire conversation continuer. "Oh, you liked ____? Didn't you find the ending a tad pretentious?" etc.

Be you a graphic artist, musician, novelist or furniture maker, put your mug/design on a card and go hang out where potential clients/employers eat, workout, attend concerts and party. Become skilled at choosing your 'mark' and devise a way to approach him/her without accosting them. If they're in your vicinity and you sense an opening, you might want to try a line like: "Hi, do you have the time?" (it's lame - I know - but sometimes highly effective), or "I love that ring - where'd you get it?". Hey, you never know who you'll meet the next time you sidle up to the bar in that hot spot hotel and order an overpriced drink that'll cost you a month's worth of laundry quarters. It just might be worth it when the guy whose ear you chewed off the night before wakes up from his bender with your card stuck to his clammy, bloated face.

PREVIOUSLY: My First Million


This Just In...


Love, love, love the graphics but the chips tasted like shoe leather dipped in flaming gasoline.


Brand new and gorgeous if a tad staid. Unfortunately, I'd have to rent my uterus to a Saudi Prince to afford a meal here.

I had a job interview at this brand spanking new establishment. It was one of the most excruciatingly awful experiences in my working life (such as it is). There was a roundtable interview with six of us women vying for position of hostess/server and the interviewer looked like she'd rather be fed her own eyeball with her foot than go through with it. Needless to say, with no experience in the food service industry and a padded resume, I didn't get it. They have a giant ass TV, though.

Sugar Spa sign

Mustang on St. Clair W. Ave.

This hub showcases phenomenal stonework the likes of which we'll never see again.



I hope there's more to this installation (and this newly-constructed building, for that matter) than what I saw, otherwise I don't know what the fuss is about.

10 ft tall bitch told me I couldn't take pics cause they get a lot of "celebrities" and "discretion", blah, blah, blah. What celebs? Just a bunch of doughy accountants eager to get out of the office. Another new construction that generated much buzz in the media and even more disappointment from said junior paparazzo.

Scarpetta @ Thompson Hotel


You're looking at an $8 pot of tea and a $9 bowl of fries. Totally wasn't worth it.


Spotted this in Hudson Bay Centre - she says she got it in London, England.

Potato Gratin @ Victor__Hotel Le Germain

Dundas station

Cumberland Terrace

Ardene ring: 3 bucks. Style quotient: priceless.

75 Portland St.

Hudson Bay Centre

Tom Hardy

Jo Malone

Yup. $75 for a box of cookies.