Snark Attack

What oil spill?
Those are the healing waters of BP's new spa retreat for asthmatic Tea Baggers. It also cures eczema and plantars wart, but may aggravate chronic acne and induce nausea in eco-conscious individuals.
[via]
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NEW POST
Industrial Toll
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Hold Your Ground

Ever been engaged in a heated, low down, dirty, rotten war of words with someone? I was, yesterday morning. It started at 3:15 am when - after a long series of exchanges - I texted back to this big, fat, old, ugly, mess of a man to "CHOKE on his 'Sorry'" (because it was insincere) and then "GOODBYE, M__". I thought that was the end of it - but oh no - a bully always has to have the last word, even when they don't have a leg to stand on. From that point on, our communication escalated into a one upmanship nightmare.

6 hours later, when I checked my messages, there was his putrid response, littered with insults and lies. Do you think I was going to let him get away with it? Hell naw! I fired back a volley of my own, and then off we went, careening down a mountain of shit through verbally-charged minefields. Pow! Bang! Kablowey! All the while, I held my own and wouldn't back down. I gave as good as I got, and then some. By the end, I made that sonofabitch my bitch and gave him something to think about the next time he decides to engage an opponent he grossly underestimates.

Yesterday, I learned something about myself: I don't suffer fools at all. When you're wrong, you're wrong, and I won't hesitate to tell you. Of course, me being 5'5", this type of engagement is only possible in a non-physical arena, such as texting. Even engaging an opponent over the phone is ineffectual if their voice's louder and resonates deeper than my own - they can easily shout me down, no problem. But when it comes to a war of words - ie. ideas and values distilled - I'm not intimidated because my convictions fortify me against their bullshit. No one can convince me I'm wrong when I know in the depths of my soul I'm not, no matter how old, loud, big or "successful" they are.

I saved my half of the exchange. I've been reading it over and over again, proud of my audacity. It's not easy standing up to an older man, especially when you've been raised in an environment that was dominated by your father. I never said a damn word that contradicted my father's, in his presence or elsewhere. He was omniscient to me, and it wasn't until I hit my twenties that I started to question his perspective. Naturally, that's when our relationship fell apart, as I believe is common between fathers and daughters. As long as females remain little girls - both mentally and physically - Daddy's a happy man. The imbalance of power allows him to feel heroic and superior. But as soon as we start to mature, experiment and take ownership of our existence, he feels left out and threatened. This, of course, is when it's time for us to pack our bags and leave home.

Unfortunately, most of us women never get over our father's influence, and his presence in our mindset is reflected in how we relate to other men - be they partners, authority figures, other relatives or offspring. It's like his stamp of approval/disapproval is evident in the eyes of the males we encounter, and we lose perspective of what and who we're truly dealing with. These men are not him, but it's difficult to make the distinction. His gaze haunts us, even when he's thousands of miles away. It's downright spooky. I have to say, a man has to be one helluva strong character himself to break through the bubble of a father's influence; weak men just don't stand a chance.

So...do you want to see my texts? I have to warn you - it ain't pretty. Mr. Ass Pustule said some really foul things that don't bear repeating, but I think you can fill in the blanks, anyway. I'll add a few words here and there to clarify things, but other than that, you're on your own.

Got your helmet on?

Ok, we're going in...

The set up: At 3:15 am, I told him to "CHOKE on his 'sorry'" and then "GOODBYE, M__". 6 hours later, he starts the insult ball rolling by calling me a phony and implying that I deserve to be in the financial trouble I'm in. Me:

I never liked you. You're one of the ugliest men I've ever met, both inside and out. I'm GLAD I don't have to see you again or let you touch me.

Added:

FYI: Guys like you will ALWAYS have to pay for it, one way or the other. Don't worry, I've ALREADY lost your number.

He insults my looks and tells me I'm a lousy lay. This couldn't possibly be further from the truth. (Backstory: He's complained numerous times in the past about his nutjob wife.)

LIES. ALL LIES. I know sour grapes when I see them, you pathetic monster. Good luck with your CRAZY ASS wife.

He says I've turned him off from prostitutes. What he doesn't know is that I think the profession is a crock of shit. He also says that I should suck his c--k. Fucking loser can't even spell out the word.

You're welcome. Too bad only RETARDS, CRACKHEADS & YOUR CRAZY ASS WIFE will suck your COCK.

At this point, he's starting to weaken. Was it the jab about his wife or his lack of sexual desireability? He tells me to leave him alone.

You're the one who contacted ME. I was done with you HOURS AGO.

He says he feels sorry for me.

Coming from you, that means NOTHING.

He insists that I'm the one who initiated this shitstorm.

NO. My last message to you at 3:15 am said GOODBYE, M__. You're the one with Alzheimers, crazy OLD man. NOT ME.

He calls me a cunt.

I have a beautiful CUNT & you will NEVER see it again. THANK GOD.

He says he's glad about that, as if he wasn't the one harassing me to date him over the past year-and-a-half. At this point I'm into all caps because I sense he's faltering and his jugular's exposed.

AT LEAST WE AGREE ON SOMETHING. I HOPE YOUR COCK FALLS OFF & YOU ROT IN HELL. NOW FUCK OFF.

You'd think he'd back down, right? Walk away with what's left of his dignity intact? Uh uh - this fucker keeps coming back for more. His next insult's so lame I don't remember what it was.

YOU FIGHT LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL. PATHETIC.

Again he tells me to leave him alone, even though he's the one who can't stop responding.

I'M DONE WHEN YOU'RE DONE, BITCH.

He recycles more lame shit from before.

YOU'RE REPEATING YOURSELF. GET IT OVER WITH & JUST DIE ALREADY.

He tells me I'm no better than the shit clogging his ass. I'm officially bored with him and want to end it.

FINALLY YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT. GOODBYE, ASSWIPE.

Is he done yet? No, not even close. He texts "Cunt" again. I fire back with something equally caustic that I know will set him off.

FAG.

Ha! I was right. He phones me - which of course - I ignore. I can't, however, resist listening to his message. He sounds tired - not irate like I expected - and tells me he won't let me drag him through the muck, as if I was the one who insulted him first, and then he crosses the line into bottomfeeder territory by intimating that my estrangement from my parents is a reflection of the kind of person I am. Well, sweet-Jesus-and-all-that's-holy, I really let him have it. (Backstory: he's mentioned before how much he spoils his kids - especially his son. If the young man - not child - so much as stumps his toe, Big Daddy Handout is on the next flight out before it's begun to swell.)

GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, MOTHERFUCKER. YOUR KIDS DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. AS SOON AS THE MONEY'S GONE, SO ARE THEY.

Silence.

FYI: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STOOPED TO NAME CALLING. NOT ME. FINALLY YOU'VE MET SOMEONE WHO WON'T BE BULLIED & YOU DON'T LIKE IT. GOOD. SUCK ON IT.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

-

-

-

Check and mate.

I win.
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Modern Hooker

What does it take, to make it as a fake?

Injected to avoid feeling rejected.

WHCD 2010: The Red Carpet
COMMENT
missdelite: That's it. If I ever see Kim Kardashian in a Hollywood movie, I'm going to shoot myself. At least Simpson and Bieber can sing, fer chrissakes.

Pop Quiz! Kim Kardashian is famous because:
a)golden shower sex tape
b)daddy's Bruce Jenner
c)face + tit + butt surgeries = Tinseltown "pretty"
d)she's servicing every dessicated studio exec from New York to L.A.
e)she's a modern Al Qaeda Mata Hari
f)the world's a sad, muthaf@kn place where only the crass survive
g)all of the above

If you chose g) then ding ding! We have a winner! Now go cry yourself to sleep and pray that she's such a bitch in real life, her make up artist snaps and stabs her in the butt with a MAC lip pencil, causing her to drown in a pool of her own saline solution. Horndogs around the world will mourn her loss for 2.2 seconds before they move on to the next bimbo in a tight dress. It's the circle of life 2010 celebrity style! Aren't you glad you came along for the ride??
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How Dare She?

Halle Berry is Single and Other Exciting News for Guys
COMMENTS
I doubt Gabriel Aubry will have trouble finding another woman who is both younger and more beautiful than Halle Berry. One who will hopefully have fewer "issues" than Halle.

Also, Halle Berry has had two husbands who cheated on her, a boyfriend who beat the hell out of her and now a baby-daddy who has left her. They all leave HER!! Not a good track record. Obviously, beauty is not everything. Maybe Halle has nothing else to offer the men who come into her life; perhaps she has too much baggage; perhaps she is a boring lump of insecurity. Men get tired of that shit, no matter how beautiful the woman is.

So, yeah, Halle will find another man (if she wants one) but will things turn out any better for her? Will she be happy again? I don't think so. Halle fucking Berry is not a happy woman.

missdelite: *sniffff*

I can smell the resentment from here.

You know that itch you can't scratch? It's actually caused by bathrobe crumbs worming their way into every orifice of your being. Soon you'll be nothing but a pile of Cheeto dust and cat hair moistened by the tears of your lost youth. A forensic team will sift through your moldy remains and conclude that death was caused by the rupture of a jealousy-induced ulcer that slowly over the years ate away at you from the inside out.

After hearing about your terrible fate, Jon Stewart will launch into a tirade on his show about the rise in deaths by Gossip Exhaustion. Word will reach Halle Berry and she'll offer to scatter your ashes from the deck of her 200 ft yacht parked in Port de Saint Tropez while her hunky assistant in the tightest shorts imaginable gently cradles her Oscar and looks on in admiration. His aviators will reflect the flashes of paparazzi bulbs, the locals will cheer, and your moment of glory will finally be realized, all thanks to Halle "Who the Hell Does She Think She is, Anyway?" Berry.

Back at your place, a lonely cat howls with hunger, waiting to be fed..
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Snark Attack

Did a Law Student 'Cat Fight' Lead to Harvard's Racist Email Scandal?
COMMENT
So she's into white supremacy,who cares?!
I do. And everyone who's ever been the victim of racism does.

As Penn (from Penn & Tellers TV show) said maybe you guys are just to weak for the first amendment.
Penn's your hero? Now THAT'S weak.

You can't in allow health care rallies than ban Tea Party events.
Write a proper sentence, for fuck's sake.

You support Pride Marches and then Ban KKK Meetings.
Yup. But don't worry - you can recycle those sheets and a little bleach will get out the blood of my ancestors.

Everyone one needs to be heard and not dismissed.
Incorrect. Case in point: pedophiles, bestiality enthusiasists, incestuous grandparents and a commenter named "quickstrike".

I feel that Stephanie Grace is wrong, however I resepect her opinion.
She's a lucky woman to have earned your "resepect". That's like a budding chef being praised for his knife skills by Jeffrey Dahmer.

"While I may not agree with what she says, I will defend to the death her right to say it!"
Go ahead. I won't stop you. And if you don't succeed the first time, you're in luck cause this won't be the last time Ms.Grace puts her foot in her mouth.

And you know what? The irony is, I don't think Stephie would welcome your support. She's an elitist Harvard law student and you sound like you fell off the back of a turnip truck. If it makes you feel better, maybe one day you'll meet her at a Klan rally and she'll let you light her cross-burning match. You can remind her of the day you went to bat for her and she'll look at you as if you're dipped in shit, but at least you'll walk away feeling good about defending her right to regard you as the jackass that you are.
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LINK
It Could Be True
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Date Rate

"Shut Up Bro, She Was Ugly": Indiana U. Student Explains How to Rate Girls
"Men have been using the trusty 1-10 rating system to rate girls for what seems like centuries. Obviously a 10 is a knockout, and a 1 is something that should show up on the Discovery Channel. It's as universal as the 4.0 GPA scale or the dewy decimal system. One of my favorite things to do with my friends is to argue about what number a girl is." [...]

Rating Jackasses
1. This is the bottom of the barrel. Minimum of two Livestrong bracelets. Loud, obnoxious assholes who have to pay people to hang around them. As adults, all Ones will be convicted of exposing themselves at a playground. [...]

VID
Entourage: Rating Girls
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Write a Review

How to Make an Ugly Girl Pretty Flask

RATING
***** 5 Stars Excellent

I WOULD RECOMMEND THIS PRODUCT TO A FRIEND
Yes

REVIEWER NICKNAME
GFEgirl

REVIEW TITLE
Awesome gift!

REVIEW
I bought this flask as a parting gift for my ex-husband who used to beat the crap out of me. He loved it! Next, I'd like to suggest a "How to Make the Two-Timing Fucker Pay Alimony" ashtray to throw at his car window. I'll take a dozen!

ADD IMAGES TO YOUR REVIEW
ADD A CAPTION: This flask will make him huge!

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ADD A CAPTION: Jackasses Unite!

LOCATION
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The Perfect Wife™

Jim Carrey: Elin Was a 'Willing Participant' in Tiger's Affairs
COMMENTS
I'll never understand why Tiger would marry someone without first securing road beef privileges. This whole thing could have been avoided with a little honest conversation and understanding.

missdelite: Little-known fact: The Perfect Wife™ who loves her husband, looks good, keeps house and looks the other way while he chases tail exists on a tiny island in the Pacific populated by unicorns, leprechauns, honest politicians and bankers born with a conscience.

Perez Hilton and Ian Halperin did an Oscar-winning documentary on their existence which they refused to accept because they felt it defiled the integrity of their craft.

Demands for The Perfect Wife™ is now so great that they're being sold on The Shopping Channel by zombie Billy Mays, 1:10-1:15am, every second Thursday of every fourth leap year. Payment by delinquent credit card holders only.

Pope Ratzinger blessed this comment, so there's no need to verify its claims.
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Snark Attack

I don't care if she writes her own shit, picks her own outfits or can carry a tune. She's being paid to be a spectacle - nothing more and nothing less. If that's what I wanted, I'd go see Cirque-de-freaking-Soleil.

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Snark Attack

I love the James Bond-ish quality of this, and kudos for actually getting into the party.

But Rupert Murdoch?

That's like breaking out of Alcatraz, swimming across Frisco Bay, staggering up on land right in front of the Ghirardelli chocolate store, and choosing instead to lick a Hershey's Kiss wrapper you pulled from under a used condom.

Gross.

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Crap Over Cool

Meh. I've seen better.

Like this one. Basically, it's a landscape similar to the one above, but the colours "pop" in contrast to one another and it looks more alive than the example above, which lays flat and looks like a whole lotta blah.

I left the following comments over at Selectism, a blog I never visit but just happened to check out the other day. The first two weren't published and I expect the third won't be either, but I derive great satisfaction from knowing that someone - hopefully the asshat who rejected the first two comments - will read it. The post's subject was some crappy photog they lavished praise on just because he's shot a bunch of celebutards. No, I won't name him here cause he doesn't deserve a mention. Needless to say, if Mary Jo Whackadoodle from Salt Lake City had taken the pics they featured, no one would've given a fuck.

COMMENT #1
Name: missdelite
Zzzz...Christian Schmidt kicks this guy's ass.
http://christianschmidt.biz/

Rejected! Ok, so snark didn't work. They don't have a sense of humour - or a sense of the Internet - do they? How about a little syrupy sucking up to fall in line with the other brown-nosing comments in an attempt to temper my blatant act of promotion?

COMMENT #2
Name: missdelite
Oh, awesome!
He and Christian Schmidt should do a co-project.
http://christianschmidt.biz/

Rejected again! Whattup with that?? Do they have something against vision, heart and soul in art work? Cause this guy Schmidt has it in spades. Well, now I'm pissed.

COMMENT #3
Name: MediocreArt
Fine, don't publish my comments.
Loser.
Obviously, you've got the market cornered on the IKEA crowd but you wouldn't know fantastic art if Picasso arose from the dead and pissed you a masterpiece. My 4-year-old niece takes better pics with her Fisher Price camera - maybe you can feature her work?
"Selectism"? Bwah! I crown you the king of selecting crap over cool. Be proud of your achievement and celebrate your mediocrity. You've earned it.

This comment's "pending approval" but I'm not holding my breath. I wrote it purely for the purpose of venting my frustration at someone who simply can't see something good when it's staring at him/her in the face. I liken it to wearing foggy goggles that afford only 10% visibility, and feeling comfortable doing it, not knowing how much access is being denied to better stuff out there. Screw Selectism. I won't be returning to that site for awhile and they've probably blocked my IP anyway.

Douchebags

Paul Janka

Make sure to get a waxing; I'm going to make all your holes very sore.

Want some coffee and want it up the ass?

Douchebags Defined
The simplest way of conceiving it is this: a douchebag is a failed asshole. The asshole is the true alpha-personality: the douchebag is the cowed, quivering copycat. The asshole rarely thinks of his own assholishness - the douchebag plots and plans his assholery, only to have it collapse into a wet splashy puddle of douche. The asshole can, on occasion, be charming, attentive, generous or cultured - this is what makes him attractive, and therefore dangerous. The douchebag is never anything but a schmuck. The douchebag worships and loves and hates and envies the asshole. The asshole never notices the douchebag, except on those rare occasions when he is inspired to crush the douchebag to a pulp. The douchebag dreams of being an asshole. The asshole does not dream - he’s too worn out by fucking the douchebag’s girlfriend. [...]

Snark Attack

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You gonna help me? You gonna look out for me?!

That gets me in the spot where my heart should be every time.
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The 100 Greatest Quotes from The Wire
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