Hold Your Ground

Ever been engaged in a heated, low down, dirty, rotten war of words with someone? I was, yesterday morning. It started at 3:15 am when - after a long series of exchanges - I texted back to this big, fat, old, ugly, mess of a man to "CHOKE on his 'Sorry'" (because it was insincere) and then "GOODBYE, M__". I thought that was the end of it - but oh no - a bully always has to have the last word, even when they don't have a leg to stand on. From that point on, our communication escalated into a one upmanship nightmare.

6 hours later, when I checked my messages, there was his putrid response, littered with insults and lies. Do you think I was going to let him get away with it? Hell naw! I fired back a volley of my own, and then off we went, careening down a mountain of shit through verbally-charged minefields. Pow! Bang! Kablowey! All the while, I held my own and wouldn't back down. I gave as good as I got, and then some. By the end, I made that sonofabitch my bitch and gave him something to think about the next time he decides to engage an opponent he grossly underestimates.

Yesterday, I learned something about myself: I don't suffer fools at all. When you're wrong, you're wrong, and I won't hesitate to tell you. Of course, me being 5'5", this type of engagement is only possible in a non-physical arena, such as texting. Even engaging an opponent over the phone is ineffectual if their voice's louder and resonates deeper than my own - they can easily shout me down, no problem. But when it comes to a war of words - ie. ideas and values distilled - I'm not intimidated because my convictions fortify me against their bullshit. No one can convince me I'm wrong when I know in the depths of my soul I'm not, no matter how old, loud, big or "successful" they are.

I saved my half of the exchange. I've been reading it over and over again, proud of my audacity. It's not easy standing up to an older man, especially when you've been raised in an environment that was dominated by your father. I never said a damn word that contradicted my father's, in his presence or elsewhere. He was omniscient to me, and it wasn't until I hit my twenties that I started to question his perspective. Naturally, that's when our relationship fell apart, as I believe is common between fathers and daughters. As long as females remain little girls - both mentally and physically - Daddy's a happy man. The imbalance of power allows him to feel heroic and superior. But as soon as we start to mature, experiment and take ownership of our existence, he feels left out and threatened. This, of course, is when it's time for us to pack our bags and leave home.

Unfortunately, most of us women never get over our father's influence, and his presence in our mindset is reflected in how we relate to other men - be they partners, authority figures, other relatives or offspring. It's like his stamp of approval/disapproval is evident in the eyes of the males we encounter, and we lose perspective of what and who we're truly dealing with. These men are not him, but it's difficult to make the distinction. His gaze haunts us, even when he's thousands of miles away. It's downright spooky. I have to say, a man has to be one helluva strong character himself to break through the bubble of a father's influence; weak men just don't stand a chance.

So...do you want to see my texts? I have to warn you - it ain't pretty. Mr. Ass Pustule said some really foul things that don't bear repeating, but I think you can fill in the blanks, anyway. I'll add a few words here and there to clarify things, but other than that, you're on your own.

Got your helmet on?

Ok, we're going in...

The set up: At 3:15 am, I told him to "CHOKE on his 'sorry'" and then "GOODBYE, M__". 6 hours later, he starts the insult ball rolling by calling me a phony and implying that I deserve to be in the financial trouble I'm in. Me:

I never liked you. You're one of the ugliest men I've ever met, both inside and out. I'm GLAD I don't have to see you again or let you touch me.

Added:

FYI: Guys like you will ALWAYS have to pay for it, one way or the other. Don't worry, I've ALREADY lost your number.

He insults my looks and tells me I'm a lousy lay. This couldn't possibly be further from the truth. (Backstory: He's complained numerous times in the past about his nutjob wife.)

LIES. ALL LIES. I know sour grapes when I see them, you pathetic monster. Good luck with your CRAZY ASS wife.

He says I've turned him off from prostitutes. What he doesn't know is that I think the profession is a crock of shit. He also says that I should suck his c--k. Fucking loser can't even spell out the word.

You're welcome. Too bad only RETARDS, CRACKHEADS & YOUR CRAZY ASS WIFE will suck your COCK.

At this point, he's starting to weaken. Was it the jab about his wife or his lack of sexual desireability? He tells me to leave him alone.

You're the one who contacted ME. I was done with you HOURS AGO.

He says he feels sorry for me.

Coming from you, that means NOTHING.

He insists that I'm the one who initiated this shitstorm.

NO. My last message to you at 3:15 am said GOODBYE, M__. You're the one with Alzheimers, crazy OLD man. NOT ME.

He calls me a cunt.

I have a beautiful CUNT & you will NEVER see it again. THANK GOD.

He says he's glad about that, as if he wasn't the one harassing me to date him over the past year-and-a-half. At this point I'm into all caps because I sense he's faltering and his jugular's exposed.

AT LEAST WE AGREE ON SOMETHING. I HOPE YOUR COCK FALLS OFF & YOU ROT IN HELL. NOW FUCK OFF.

You'd think he'd back down, right? Walk away with what's left of his dignity intact? Uh uh - this fucker keeps coming back for more. His next insult's so lame I don't remember what it was.

YOU FIGHT LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL. PATHETIC.

Again he tells me to leave him alone, even though he's the one who can't stop responding.

I'M DONE WHEN YOU'RE DONE, BITCH.

He recycles more lame shit from before.

YOU'RE REPEATING YOURSELF. GET IT OVER WITH & JUST DIE ALREADY.

He tells me I'm no better than the shit clogging his ass. I'm officially bored with him and want to end it.

FINALLY YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT. GOODBYE, ASSWIPE.

Is he done yet? No, not even close. He texts "Cunt" again. I fire back with something equally caustic that I know will set him off.

FAG.

Ha! I was right. He phones me - which of course - I ignore. I can't, however, resist listening to his message. He sounds tired - not irate like I expected - and tells me he won't let me drag him through the muck, as if I was the one who insulted him first, and then he crosses the line into bottomfeeder territory by intimating that my estrangement from my parents is a reflection of the kind of person I am. Well, sweet-Jesus-and-all-that's-holy, I really let him have it. (Backstory: he's mentioned before how much he spoils his kids - especially his son. If the young man - not child - so much as stumps his toe, Big Daddy Handout is on the next flight out before it's begun to swell.)

GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, MOTHERFUCKER. YOUR KIDS DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. AS SOON AS THE MONEY'S GONE, SO ARE THEY.

Silence.

FYI: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STOOPED TO NAME CALLING. NOT ME. FINALLY YOU'VE MET SOMEONE WHO WON'T BE BULLIED & YOU DON'T LIKE IT. GOOD. SUCK ON IT.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

-

-

-

Check and mate.

I win.
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Who Were They?

Harvard Law Student Starts Racist Email War, Will Clerk for Cow Porn Judge This Summer
COMMENTS
I'm not sure what the normal reaction to dissent here on Gawker is (as my silly name indicates, I spend most of my time on Deadspin). At the risk of being assailed with the sort of profanity-laced anger that this story has generated, I must say that I don't share in the rather broad view of what constitutes "racism" among the majority of commenters here.

The mere suggestion that it is possible that intelligence - however one might define it in this instance - is not distributed precisely equally among all racial groups does not, in and of itself, constitute racism in my opinion. So long as one does not extend that conclusion to any sort of moral or legal judgment that implicates the group, I don't see it as bigotry. Speaking personally, I avoid judgments about any group, and stick to individuals. Quaint as that notion is. But I digress . . .

Put another way - the refusal to keep an open mind that the results of some hypothetical (perhaps impossible) scientific experiment may run counter to one's pre-existing ideological tenets seems troubling. Blind adherence to those principles, no matter how benevolent they may be, could potentially compromise the acquisition of any truth that does not mesh with them precisely.

What's frightening is that it seems like, if many of the commenters had their way, this person would be barred from ever holding a job of any kind. Others upped the ante by expanding the target. The legal profession as a whole was deemed suspect, as entry into law school was evidence of either deficiency in the hard sciences, or poor moral character.

I would humbly suggest only this: That by taking so strident a posture, one seems less open-minded than the very people they're attempting to condemn.

missdelite: "The mere suggestion that it is possible that intelligence - however one might define it in this instance - is not distributed precisely equally among all racial groups does not, in and of itself, constitute racism in my opinion."

It may not constitute racism, but it does constitute lazy thinking.

I'm going to assume that we're referring to book smarts as opposed to street smarts, because the former is measurable by test scores while the latter can't be quantified into a neat, chart-ready statistic.

I define "book smarts" as intellectual training that prepares an individual for employment in a field that requires higher learning. If you want to look at test scores and make a correlation between race and intelligence, you first have to examine who has access to what academic prepatory tools and why certain groups have access in higher numbers than others.

Who goes to the best schools? Who can afford the best tutors? Who gets preferential treatment in classrooms? Who can afford tuition to an Ivy League institution? Whose father fraternizes with high ranking CEOs who can guarantee his recently graduated son/daughter an interview?

Once you've answered these questions, the next logical step is to ask "Why?", which inevitably leads to an examination of Western history.

The fact is, you simply can't draw any conclusions about the relationship between race and intelligence in contemporary society without looking at the history of conquest and subjugation, slavery, privilege (be it earned or robbed) and social exclusion.

This is why I called the suggestion you mentioned above "lazy thinking", because it's just too easy to blame one group's lack of progress on some hypothetical defect they were supposedly born with as opposed to a burden they were saddled with the moment they fell out of the womb. It conveniently ignores social structures that've been in place for hundreds of years and continue to benefit certain groups over others to this very day, in an attempt for that group to justify living off the fruits of other people's labour.

And yes, it's the same lazy thinking that leads to moral and legal judgments that implicate entire swathes of people deemed intellectually inferior. After all, how can one group justify punishing and limiting the personal freedoms of another group if they don't see themselves as intellectually superior? What, exactly, gives a group the right to act as judge and jury over another?

I can only attribute your lazy thinking to a certain comfort level derived from reaping the benefits sowed by past generations. It would do you well to acknowledge the sins and triumphs of your ancestors that afforded you a place of privilege in society. Maybe when you've understood what your family's been through, you'll get a clue as to what other families have not. Just be grateful your family's records have (most likely) survived hundreds of years. Mine - on the other hand - were lost the day my ancestors were either herded onto merchant and slave ships or slaughtered by conquistodors who "discovered" them on their native soil.

Who were my great grandparents? Honey, I don't know. Do you think my family's lack of connection to prosperous institutions over a multitude of generations has impacted my progress as a citizen today? Most definitely "Yes".

Oh, and guess what? My intelligence and genes have nothing to do with it.
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NEW POST
Racial Profiling
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The Perfect Wife™

Jim Carrey: Elin Was a 'Willing Participant' in Tiger's Affairs
COMMENTS
I'll never understand why Tiger would marry someone without first securing road beef privileges. This whole thing could have been avoided with a little honest conversation and understanding.

missdelite: Little-known fact: The Perfect Wife™ who loves her husband, looks good, keeps house and looks the other way while he chases tail exists on a tiny island in the Pacific populated by unicorns, leprechauns, honest politicians and bankers born with a conscience.

Perez Hilton and Ian Halperin did an Oscar-winning documentary on their existence which they refused to accept because they felt it defiled the integrity of their craft.

Demands for The Perfect Wife™ is now so great that they're being sold on The Shopping Channel by zombie Billy Mays, 1:10-1:15am, every second Thursday of every fourth leap year. Payment by delinquent credit card holders only.

Pope Ratzinger blessed this comment, so there's no need to verify its claims.
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One Strike

Chris Rock Mocks Letterman Over Marriage, Intern Sex Scandal
COMMENTS
Dave got his due - and if his wife is sticking around then that's their business. But it appears that around 1 in five married partners of either sex cheats. After browsing the internet, the statistics seem show (statistics are fickle, but you gotta start somewhere) that between 20% and 25% of married men cheat and between 15% and 19% of married women cheat, with the trends being that amongst men there is a downward trend and amongst women there is an upward trend. So, the "cheating gap" appears to be closing. What i think is missing from the discussion is that there are different degrees of cheating. While no one condones Dave's behaviour, it just feels like it's a lot less repulsive than Jesse James. Men and women who cheat because of some emotional distress in their marriage, for example the kind who find one lover who makes them feel in love again, is one thing - there isn't the arrogance there, just a lot of pain on all sides, and most of those cheaters probably did not set out with the intention of cheating. The ones who cheat just because they are horny and think they can get away with it, or feel entitled because they have lots of money or fame, is another thing - that's just plain arrogant, and betrays a complete absence love or consideration for their partner. Neither is to be condoned, but it seems like one should carry more condemnation that the other. [...]

Here's my point - A good person can make a bad choice and still be a good person, as long as they can see their mistake for what it is and try to make ammends and learn. But an asshole would only feel bad because they got caught, not because the had any remorse for what they did. And I feel like it's important to recognize the difference, otherwise people who make mistakes may be less inclined to care if they feel like it doesn't make any difference. Everyone makes mistakes, and our ability to forgive is what keeps people from continuing to make those mistakes - If you forgive someone, that person is more likely to feel an obligation to respect that act and become a better person. Granted, it doesn't always work out that way and we've all been burned, I'm sure, but I feel it's important as a society to try and recognize who is worth forgiving and who isn't. So to me, Dave's cheating is different -it doesn't seem to be borne out of pure selfishness, arrogance and thoughtlessness, but Jesse's does. Now, I am certainly willing to admit I could be wrong on both accounts, but for now I'm inclined to forgive Dave.

missdelite: No, sorry - James and Letterman are in the same boat. Neither one understands the concept of monogamy, both of them decided hurting their partner (both physically* and mentally) was worth the risk and both of them would have continued in the same vein if a third party hadn't exposed them. You do realize Letterman made it a habit of hooking up with young, attractive interns both before and after he was married, right? In fact, he hired them specifically for that reason. This isn't a man who made one "mistake" and learned from it. This is a self-entitled a-hole who used his position as a celebrity to get laid by women who'd never otherwise have given him a second glance if he were an accountant or mortician.

There's a long road to travel between feeling unhappy in a relationship and then coming to the conclusion that it's ok to philander. Cheating doesn't happen by accident. You don't just fall into another woman's vagina. It takes effort to gather contact info, make arrangements to meet and then continue to meet until the guilt kicks in, or the money runs out or you get caught. All the while, time passes and you convince yourself you have the right to do it and somehow manage to look your partner in the eye and lie about where you've been and what you've been up to over and over again. Don't you get the magnitude of this betrayal? How it makes a mockery of everything your relationship stands for? All of these steps aren't "mistakes". They're conscious acts a cheater feels justified in making. Let's face it, if there were no way in hell a cheater had a home to come back to should he be caught, he'd put more effort into working things out or get a divorce without having to cheat at all. But basically, cheating is a way to have your cake and eat it too. If relationships were governed by the "One Strike and You're Out" rule, then the concept of monogamy would be fully realized and not just some "pie-in-the-sky" notion we're taught to aspire to. End of story.

*Who knows if Letterman wore protection during any of his affairs; James most certainly didn't, according to his f-buddy McGee.
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+Christian Bale vs. Tiger Woods (vid)
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A Billion Miles

Sometimes, the only way to avoid a toxic relationship is to switch time zones...
...by car...

...train...

...or plane...

...and even in the rain.

We Hope You'll Make it on Your Own, Kids. But We Doubt it.
COMMENTS
Can't pay for your kids college? Just do what my parents did. Don't save a dime for your kids education, and when a great aunt takes pity on your kid and sets up a trust fund to fund his education, make sure you get appointed as the trustee so you can steal the money to set up a new business. When your kid finds out about the theft, promise him that the new business will pay for his college and grad school. Then all you have to do is forge your kid's signature and have him unknowingly take on a huge pile of student loans to finance his college education while you get rich off your new business. Make sure to laugh when he brings up your promise to pay for grad school. He will only discover the loans after he gets into law school and makes his own financial aide application, and by that time the statute of limitations will have expired for your fraud and breach of trustee responsibilities. And be sure to act shocked and confused when your firstborn no longer speaks to you.

missdelite: Whoa, there's a special place in the Evil Parents Hall of Fame for those two. People will try to guilt-trip you into forgiving them cause they're your "parents", but shared DNA doesn't give anyone the right to fuck you over. Here's hoping you move on with your dignity intact and a billion miles between you and them. Physical distance doesn't erase past pain but it sure as hell helps you to face a future without their meddling ways. Works for me, anyway.
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Granny Got Some

The Birth Control in Grandma's Closet
COMMENTS
MY maternal great grandmother hid 6 gallons of moonshine in bed with her from the police during prohibition as they searched the house. She did this because they wouldn't be so uncouth to disturb a woman in bed and she got away with it. Unfortunately, she died at 29 of ovarian cancer but it sounds like they were a full 29 years.

MY maternal grandmother was a gangster moll and ran with all the bootleggers when she was a teenager during Prohibition. She later married a man, had two kids, divorced him, got knocked up by some stranger with my mom, and eventually remarried. It was only after she died and my mom hired a private detective that she discovered her real father was a married college professor.

MY mom moved to Florida with her boyfriend at 17, and was really irritated when I slept at my boyfriend's house at 19. (I'm 30 now, and I never slept with him, Mom.) It's self-delusion to help the older generation sleep at night. They know what they were up to, but they want different/better for us, so they pretend standards were higher when they were young, and try to hold us to same. Everybody's full of shit.
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