How to Orchestrate The Perfect Break UpHey hapless relationship veterans, I'm sure by now you've broken enough hearts to justify the existence of all the empty ice cream cartons and kleenex boxes in Canada. Stop making life so hard! When your relationship has run its course, exit with your head held high and your dignity intact. Don't drag it out past its expiry date or - even worse - run way like a spooked roach as if nothing meaningful ever happened between the two of you. For the love of god, offer closure and a way out that honours whatever kept you two together in the first place. If your boy/girlfriend was good enough to fuck-and-cuddle on the reg, he/she is damn well good enough for a decent goodbye. Stuck for words? No problem - memorize this passage until you're convinced you wrote it yourself.
"(Name), we've reached the end of the road as far as our relationship is concerned. I'm ready to move on and we can no longer be a couple. Please understand that I've no hard feelings toward you but this is something I need to do for myself. I want us to part on a high note, so I got you this..."
[brief hug]
"I'll walk you to (your car/ the bus stop etc.)"
[awkward silence]
"Goodbye."
[walk away and don't look back]
See how easy that was? Now remember these crucial tips:
1. Face-to-face is the only way to go. Choose somewhere quiet but not intimate, like a park bench, residential veranda or hotel restaurant (order a non-alcoholic beverage - not a meal).
2. Be calm but firm.
3. Don't mention the name of any third party whatsoever. Your soon-to-be ex doesn't need to know what your best friend/ mother/ priest thinks about the situation.
4. Forget about divying up your stuff. If you didn't get your shit out before ending the relationship, you might as well kiss it goodbye. (I'm not talking about married couples here - you feaks are on your own.)
5. Offer a small parting gift. Something meaningful but inexpensive and definitely not sexy, crude or humorous. It should remind him/her of an inside joke or special moment you shared. Don't dwell on it.
6. No intimate touching (duh!). A brief hug at the end will suffice.
7. Offer to walk him/her to the nearest mode of transportation. Obviously, the less time spent together, the better.
If you complete these steps as intended, then - congrats! - you're not a tool. You can now start a new chapter of your life with a clear conscience and no loose ends. After all, keep in mind that broken hearts heal eventually, but besmirched reputations do NOT.
