A Clean Break

How to Orchestrate The Perfect Break Up

Hey hapless relationship veterans, I'm sure by now you've broken enough hearts to justify the existence of all the empty ice cream cartons and kleenex boxes in Canada. Stop making life so hard! When your relationship has run its course, exit with your head held high and your dignity intact. Don't drag it out past its expiry date or - even worse - run way like a spooked roach as if nothing meaningful ever happened between the two of you. For the love of god, offer closure and a way out that honours whatever kept you two together in the first place. If your boy/girlfriend was good enough to fuck-and-cuddle on the reg, he/she is damn well good enough for a decent goodbye. Stuck for words? No problem - memorize this passage until you're convinced you wrote it yourself.

"(Name), we've reached the end of the road as far as our relationship is concerned. I'm ready to move on and we can no longer be a couple. Please understand that I've no hard feelings toward you but this is something I need to do for myself. I want us to part on a high note, so I got you this..."

[brief hug]

"I'll walk you to (your car/ the bus stop etc.)"

[awkward silence]

"Goodbye."

[walk away and don't look back]

See how easy that was? Now remember these crucial tips:
1. Face-to-face is the only way to go. Choose somewhere quiet but not intimate, like a park bench, residential veranda or hotel restaurant (order a non-alcoholic beverage - not a meal).

2. Be calm but firm.

3. Don't mention the name of any third party whatsoever. Your soon-to-be ex doesn't need to know what your best friend/ mother/ priest thinks about the situation.

4. Forget about divying up your stuff. If you didn't get your shit out before ending the relationship, you might as well kiss it goodbye. (I'm not talking about married couples here - you feaks are on your own.)

5. Offer a small parting gift. Something meaningful but inexpensive and definitely not sexy, crude or humorous. It should remind him/her of an inside joke or special moment you shared. Don't dwell on it.

6. No intimate touching (duh!). A brief hug at the end will suffice.

7. Offer to walk him/her to the nearest mode of transportation. Obviously, the less time spent together, the better.

If you complete these steps as intended, then - congrats! - you're not a tool. You can now start a new chapter of your life with a clear conscience and no loose ends. After all, keep in mind that broken hearts heal eventually, but besmirched reputations do NOT.

Playing Games

VIRGO Horoscope for week of November 11, 2010

The nature of the game is changing. Do you know which game I'm referring to? I mean the one that everyone's playing but no one's acknowledging they're playing. The rules of the game had held steady for quite some time, but recently they began to shift. Now even the game's rewards are in the process of metamorphosing. My advice? You don't necessarily need to splash a big dose of raw candor all over the place, but I do recommend that you at least tell yourself the truth about what's going on.

Free Will Astrology

Juiced Bar

REAL SPORTS: Toronto's Sports Bar on Steroids
So how does Real Sports stack up? In keeping with recent athletic history, it’s a sports bar on some terrifying steroids. With 25,000 square feet, over 100 taps (I lost count) and 199 screens (no joke), it’s the bar equivalent of one of those juiced-up baseball players from the late 1990s, the ones with chipmunk cheeks, rapidly expanding hat sizes and testicles the size of green grapes.

But that’s not to say it doesn’t have balls to spare. The piece de resistance is a two-storey, 39-foot screen above the centre bar that makes the space feel like a stadium itself. With so many suited up Bay Street types looking for a place to unwind once the market closes, Real Sports is as loud as a stadium when somebody scores. [...]

We Can't Afford Ford

When Rob Ford Becomes Mayor...
[EXCERPT]
But here’s the most disturbing truth of all: it’s not worth going into detail about the city Rob Ford promises because it’s pure fantasy. Mayor Rob Ford has absolutely no chance of enacting his agenda and will, as a result, grind the city to a halt, undoing seven or more years of progress and creating a situation much like the one he claims he’s addressing now.

Reality One: basic math
Ford’s numbers simply do not add up. The cuts he proposes to “waste” at City Hall are almost purely symbolic — a footnote to the budget — and are dwarfed by the $250 million a year in revenue that would be lost from his elimination of the vehicle-registration tax and land-transfer tax. That scenario alone would make his expansion of customer service, police service and subway building impossible. Meanwhile, cancelling new streetcar orders and discarding the ones we have while buying fleets of new buses would create hundreds of millions of dollars in new costs and vastly increase the operating shortfall of the TTC. We simply could not afford it.

Reality Two: he can’t boss the province around
Much of what Ford wants to do — notably cutting the size of council — would depend on provincial legislation McGuinty or any other premier would never approve. And his great transit scheme? At the moment, the province is paying for $3.7 billion worth of the Transit City plan Ford wants to scrap. Do you think they’ll continue giving him the money to use for his own devices?

Reality three: He can’t really boss anyone around
Finally, even before things get to the provincial level, Ford wouldn’t have the authority to get his ideas past the council level. He could set the agenda and make appointments to committees, but he — as outgoing Councillor Howard Moscoe put it — “could not pass wind” without winning a vote at council.

This is a problem for Ford more than any other candidate because he has shown no history of being able to work with anyone on anything. He proudly told me in 2006 that even council’s right wing hated him (“I don’t want to eat lunch with those guys anyway,” he said). It’s easy to forget now that even Mel Lastman considered Ford an enemy.

So who would accept the kamikaze mission of being his budget chief, charged with making his magical numbers add up? Who would sit on his transit commission, trying to keep the trains running while negotiating the stiff penalties and absurd demands of his platform? No one who knows anything about finance or transit, that’s for sure.

A CITY IN DECLINE
What we’re actually facing is gridlock and regression. Why? Because we’re looking at four years of angry shouting and a loud, probably unproductive argument between Ford and council (and between Ford and the province and between Ford and the city’s labour unions and between Ford and city staff…).

He might well succeed in stopping progress altogether in a few areas: grinding Transit City to a halt, cutting some taxes and slashing spending on arts and cultural programs. The city’s years-in-progress bike plan might be scrapped or halted, environmental progress rolled back. But Ford would replace those with nothing.

The opportunity cost — what we’ll miss out on by taking no action — will be huge. Development will slow as the planning department becomes paralyzed by political deadlock. Transit growth will stop and basic maintenance and service will be cut as the commission endlessly debates how to square financial and contractual circles. Basic infrastructure will be neglected. In short, the city will start to rot.

And, most distressingly for a penny-pincher like Ford, our financial hole will just keep getting bigger following tax cuts while pressing budget and revenue problems go unaddressed, forcing steep tax hikes or drastic service cuts or, most likely, both.

Then by the time the next election rolls around, everyone will be even angrier and perhaps we really will be a city in decline.

Gasaholic

TORONTO CRAIGSLIST
[09.13.10]

ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH PASSING GAS

do you love to pass gas? do you have any talents or tricks involving passing gas? strange rituals that involve passing gas, do you have a hobby involving the passing of gas?
If this is you or someone you know please tell me about it. I am doing research for a project and are looking to interview people on their obsession with passing gas.
no need to clean it up. If are infatuated with flatulence let me know. I wanna hear from you and hear your story. thank you

Compensation: TBD

Chic Ink

Black Line Studio

Venetian Lady__by Peter

Peter

Geeks Seek:

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Office Asset

TORONTO CRAIGSLIST
[09.02.10]

female model for secretary

Busy office is looking for an attractive, open minded female model to work as a secretary and sales/marketing assoc in the office. you must be open minded and willing to meet the CEOs business and personal social needs. trust worthy and discrete a must. send resume and pic please.

Compensation: base + commiction

Best. Header. Ever.

TORONTO CRAIGSLIST
[09.01.10]

FREEEEEEE WEEEEEEED

Bored & looking for someone cool to hangout with.

Hit me back if you wanna get high.

This is strictly platonic. I'm not looking for sex.

Compensation: No pay