Sex and the City
>Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free 'til they find someone just as wild to run with them.
>(Samantha) You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin.
>(Carrie to Big) Don't you want to stand still with me?
>The only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar.
>(Samantha) I love you, but I love myself more.
>(Carrie) Where's the line between professional girlfriend and just professional?
>(Charlotte, on adopting a Chinese orphan) I cannot believe this is finally happening. I hope nothing goes wrong.
(Anthony) Well, if it does, I know some gays who got a Guatemalen kid for like five bucks.
>(Miranda) Whatever happened to aging gracefully?
(Carrie) It got old.
>(Charlotte, on seeing the tacky floral arrangement at Miranda's mother's funeral) They were supposed to say 'I'm sorry, I love you' not 'You're dead, let's disco!'
Law and Order
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
>(guy 1) So what you're saying is cash trumps merit every time.
(guy 2) And twice on Sundays.
>(Ben Stone) Anyone who dances with the devil believes they can walk away. You can't.
>(Det. Briscoe) I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker's that means they watch you commit suicide.
>(Schiff) Clarence Darrow had Leopold and Loeb, and who do we have?
(McCoy) Beavis and Butthead.
>(McCoy) I remember how hard it was when I realized my father was a son of a bitch. I can't imagine what it must be like when you realize you raised one.
Law and Order: Criminal Intent
>(Carter, on guy who can't stop donating his organs to do-gooders) He gives new meaning to "Giving 'til it hurts."
(Det. Goren) He gives because he hurts.
The King of Queens
>(Deacon to Doug, who's intimidated by a tough waitress) When I look in her eyes, I see you dead.
>(Arthur) Why can't you be more like Rain Man?
>(Doug) No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
>(Doug) I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
>(Doug, watching Gilligan's Island) Oh my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper.
>(Doug) You know what I really love about being married to you?
(Carrie) Not having to pay for sex?
>(Carrie) You hired a dog walker to walk my father?!?
>(Doug) Now, you just think real, sexy thoughts, all right?
(Carrie) Ok. Like what?
(Doug) Um, think of Alyssa Milano.
(Doug) She's hot, plus her last name's a cookie.
Seeking the ghosts of Bonnie and Clyde
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
>(Jon) The only time I'd listen to Dick Cheney's advice is if I had a dead hooker in my hotel room. (Imitating Cheney) Don't worry - waaah - I know a guy.
>(Jon, on Hillary glowering at the State of the Union address) That look is where boners go to die.
>(Jon, regarding the lawsuit against Napster) The judgement marks a key victory for the recording industry in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
>(Jon, at the Academy Awards) I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
>(Warrick) Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
(Gil) The winner?
>(Sara) Dead body! Bonus.
>(Gil) Amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room.
>(Nick) There's a sucker born every minute.
(Gil) Yeah, and they all come to Vegas.
>(Gil) I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.
(Capt. Brass) Sound familiar?
>(Gil) It was in the days of public hangings that people first noticed that men would get erections and sometimes even ejaculate. They called it "The Killer Orgasm."
>(Gil admits to a mistake) What?
(Nick) Well, it's just that most people don't admit to being wrong.
(Gil) I'm wrong all the time. It's how I get to "right".
>(Sara) Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?
>(Catherine) The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility it might come true. And when you lose that possibility it just...kinda...sucks.
Crossing Over with John Edward
Demystifying John Edward of Crossing Over
The Colbert Report
Peter Earnest introduces Stephen to rectal concealment devices at the International Spy Museum: And You Are?
>(Richard Haas) America coughed and everyone caught a cold.
>(featuring the play, Frost Nixon) Kissinger felt sadness for the awkwardness of this man (Nixon). (Nixon was) terribly uncomfortable in his body and around women.
>(Michael Beschloss, author of Presidential Courage, quotes John Adams) Great is the guilt of an unnecessary war.
>(Jack to Liz) I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
>(Tracy) I'm not on crack! I'm straight up mentally ill!
>(Liz sticks bills in a stripper's g-string) This is for computer classes!
>(Liz) You don't know anything about me.
(Jack) You weigh 127 lbs...(looks her up and down)...yeah.
>(Liz, reading pill bottle's label) May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares and sleep crimes.
(Jack) It's very good.
>(Kenneth) Oh, I don't believe in hypothetical situations, Mr. Donaghy. That's like lying to your brain.
>(Kenneth) Let me interject - I'm also a white man...
(Jack interrupts) No, you are not. Socially-economically speaking, you're more like an inner city latina.
Two and a Half Men
>(Charlie) There's a big difference between meaningless and degrading.
>(Herb's sister, in hideous brown bridesmaid dress) Should I wear it or have a vet check it for worms?
>(Charlie) What did she say about me?
(Herb's sister) Well, if she's telling the truth, we really shouldn't be drinking out of the same cup.
>(Alan) Are you ok?
(Charlie) I never know until I sober up.
>(Alan) You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
>(Rose to Charlie) That's one of the things I love about you: you discard women regardless of their financial status.
>(environmentalist David Suzuki) Wal Mart's economy is bigger than some countries'.
>(Reverend Tony Campolo, former spiritual advisor to Bill Clinton and author of Red Letter Christians) To be Christian is to reach out to people who hurt.
>(Chris Gardner, the inspiration for the movie The Pursuit of Happyness) Baby steps count too.
Life's a Trip
>(Andrew Anthony on vacation in Turks and Caicos) Is that the conch's winkie?
>(Andrew on a deserted island) That's one beautiful sunset...and I'm the only one here to see it.
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations
>(Anthony in Berlin) Apparently, there's nothing more quintessentially German than a good Turkish meal.
>Actually, I hate cabaret! It's like open mic night...in hell!