Esquire's Editor-at-Large doing "The Joaquin" [simonsays.com]
[collthings.co.uk]Recent Obits
by A.J. Jacobs
Esquire - 03/09
Perks, 4,200, Are Dead
Perks, the free goods or privileges that workers receive in addition to a salary, died Saturday. They were 4,200 years old. The cause was Glenview Graphic Design's announcement that the weekly "Wednesday's Bagels and Brainstorm" meeting would now be known as "Wednesday's Big Brainstorm."
Perks were born in Assyria, where indentured servants were allowed to eat leftover scraps of roasted pig without fear of execution. They led a long and vigorous life that included free trips to the Bahamas, half off at the local Denny's, expense accounts at strip clubs, and the occasional $6,000 shower curtain. But perks became gravely ill during the 2008 subprime-mortgage crisis. The "Bagels and Brainstorm" meeting had already suffered a loss of orange juice and chive cream cheese before the bagels themselves were eliminated. Perks are survived by baseline salaries and some bathroom privileges.
My Son's Innocence, 4
My son's innocence died Tuesday after he saw a redheaded woman named Dora getting doubly penetrated by two marines when I Google-image-searched the words "Dora" and "explorer" for him. My son's innocence was four. It had survived a series of assaults from modern life, including a Bally Total Fitness ad and a topless Italian woman at the beach. It also survived the snickering of my wife and me when we read my son the nursery rhyme "Little Pussy". However, the pendulous breasts and rising buttocks of Dora finally led to its demise.
Romantic Comedy, 81, Dies
A once loved film genre about two strangers who overcome a seemingly insurmountable obstacle and end up as a happy couple, romantic comedy died in a conference room on the Warner Brothers studio lot Friday, as screenwriter Joe Bernstein was pitching a Kate Hudson vehicle about the romance between a dairy farmer and a lactose-intolerant woman. The cause was exhaustion. Observers close to the genre feared romantic comedy would die upon the release of the 2005 Reese Witherspoon / Mark Ruffalo movie Just Like Heaven, about the unlikely courtship between a ghost and a landscape architect, but it persisted in a vegetative state for three more years.
Music, 63,000, Dies
Music, a series of ascending and descending tones, died today. The Cause was Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. After the death, a Chevrolet truck was driven to a levee, but the levee turned out to be dry, and several Southern men were seen consuming alcoholic beverages and discussing their mortality.
A Little Part of Me, 40
A little part of me died Sunday when conservative commentator Glenn Beck's novel The Christmas Sweater debuted as number one on The New York Times best-seller list. It followed the recent death of two other little parts of me: one when the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button passed the two-hour mark, and another when my uncle used the phrase "That's how I roll."
Shock, 28,000, Dies
Shock, a state of emotional disturbance and surprise, died Wednesday in New York. The cause was an announcement by the nasal-voiced former TV star Fran Drescher that she would like to replace Hillary Clinton as the junior senator from New York. A longtime vital reaction to unexpected or inexplicable events, shock could not be roused, despite heroic efforts by those on the scene. Shock had been in diminishing health for some time due to an abundance of factors, including a seventy-year-old woman giving birth, a man giving birth, Eliot Spitzer's press conference, Kanye West and the sudden disappearance of nearly half the value of the S&P 500. It is survived by sad resignation.
[esquire.com]My Life as a Hot Woman
I've been a beautiful woman for fifty days, and no one has compared me to a summer's day. No one has said my lips are like rose blossoms or my throat is as smooth as alabaster.
Men don't have time for that anymore. We live in the age of transparency. Say what you mean and mean what you say. As in:
"You are a very pretty lady."
"I think you are very attractive."
"You look very pretty."
I've been approached by more than six hundred men, and that's one of the big themes I've discovered in their method: Cut to the chase.
The directness has its charms, but like everything else about being a beautiful woman, it has its dark side as well. One suitor tried to seduce me with this line: "I would like to stalk you." Another said, "I am in a committed relationship but am looking for a girl on the side." Honest? Sure. To the point? Yes. Creepy? As hell.
The Endorsement: Self-Delusion
Of all the overrated things in the world -- sex on the beach, John Updike -- the most overrated is the Truth. The Truth has its uses, yes, but it should be approached with extreme caution. Especially when dealing with self-knowledge, the Truth can be a soul-sapping drag.
An Ode to English Ladies (of a Certain Class)
A friend of mine used to do telemarketing. One day he made a brilliant discovery: If he put on a British accent, he'd double his sales.
British accents will do that. They automatically kick up your IQ by ten points. They turn drivel into Noël Coward–worthy witticism. And they make women more alluring.
I love British women. Well, let me be more precise: I love a certain type of British woman. The British woman with a hint of trashiness. Even skankiness. Lady Di (God rest her soul) was never for me. Give me randy Fergie, with her near-forgotten toe-sucking scandal.
I believe all men are attracted to moderate skankiness and sluttiness. We're just usually too ashamed or embarrassed to admit it. Not so with British women. Their accents and faded empire give them the veneer of respectability. It's like eating a Twinkie off Wedgwood china. Give me Liz Hurley and her confessed enjoyment of spanking. Give me Kate Moss and those boots made for coke sniffing. Give me Sienna Miller. Or better yet, give me that nanny who shtupped Jude Law on the pool table.
Keira Knightley? I'm not interested. Too ethereal. Nor am I drawn to American skanks. Paris Hilton is like eating a Twinkie off the floor.
Archive
A.J. Jacobs - Official Website
The Year of Living Biblically answers the question: What if a modern-day American followed every single rule in the Bible as literally as possible. Not just the famous rules – the Ten Commandments and Love Thy Neighbor (though certainly those). But the hundreds of oft-ignored ones: don’t wear clothes of mixed fibers. Grow your beard. Stone adulterers. A.J. Jacobs’ experiment is surprising, informative, timely and funny. It is both irreverent and reverent. It seeks to discover what’s good in the Bible and what is maybe not so relevant to 21st century life. And it will make you see the Good Book with new eyes. Thou shalt not put it down.
